circle

disclaimer; the following is a smushed together, kamikaze, and barely scanned for error. take heed.

I’m in a strange place right now. in life. in retrospect. in general. its like I’m discovering the person I am, even though a month ago I would have told you I knew exactly who she was. in short? I’m re-awakening my entire spiritual relationship with christ. I recently made a massive decision in my life that I’ve not told anyone, and it forced me into a place I didn’t truly want to be. because I’m about to admit something I never wanted to be able to say of myself.

I have a lukewarm faith.

and I’m ok with it.

fine with it. fine with picking up my bible, scanning my favorite verse, and informing everyone who asked that “I read my bible every day!” because guess what? I do read my bible every day. but I’m aware now that it’s not about the reading. it’s about the contemplation and the learning and the absolute application. now, don’t get me wrong, I kept my faith. I didn’t do the crazy rebelling like disobeying or forsaking my faith entirely, no it’s nothing that dramatic. in fact, it’s quote…boring… I’m just in a position now where I’m forced to a stand-still and made to see the half-crapped effort I’ve put into my faith the past year. and I’m so disappointed in myself.

you know that saying, “a girl should be so lost in God, that a boy has to seek Him to find her…”? I used to be that girl. and now that I’ve been forced to step back, I’ve realized, I am not that girl anymore.

She’s been on my mind (she’s working overtime)
She’s got perfect reasons
That she loves to talk to Jesus
I think I believe her when she says
Life can be so simple if we’d all just learn to pray

She’s got every little thing I wanted
And it still feels just like the day it started
I’ll say goodbye to the broken-hearted
And I could never express the way I felt before tonight

She sits there all alone
She’s reading from a chapter that she sometimes calls her own
And now she’s taken over me
This girl I once rejected
Has now become the girl of my dreams

She’s got every little thing I wanted
And it still feels just like the day it started
I’ll say goodbye to the broken-hearted
And I could never express the way I felt before tonight

– Hawk Nelson

it’s cheesy, but when I was 10 years old I decided I would never allow myself to fall in love unless the boy thought about me like those lyrics describe. little girl dreams. adorable. but seriously, I made a pact with myself. I’ve never actually told anyone that… fun fact… BUT, the point is, I’ve carried that around with me for 8 years now. knowing that. and this doesn’t have anything to do with the falling in love aspect, no, this is about my faith. this is about my heart. this is about my serious slack in the spiritual department. I’m so ashamed of myself. I go, almost half my life, with the mindset that I’m that girl. the one so consumed with her creator… and now I’m realizing that in the past year it’s just a title I’ve given myself. I’m not even living it anymore…

because I sat and opened my bible, picked a random chapter and started reading, and after 15 minutes, I realized something. I was reading, to read. nothing more.

whole-hearted application. I need to be living the word, not reading it!!

so now I’m at this crossroads… and I’m not dumb enough to think I can just step it up and have that amazing faith again…. that’s not something you can just snap your fingers and have. that’s hard work. and dedication. and sacrifice. and I, truthfully, don’t want to give that of myself. but I’ve decided to hell with it, I’m jumping in. because you know what?

I want to be that girl so consumed with her faith, that it annoys people. and I want to be that girl who is so lost in God that he’s first on my mind in every situation. and I want to be the girl who can’t be caught unless the boy is seeking me through Him.

I refuse to be anything other than that girl.

 

Here I’m alive
And I don’t have the right
He gave me the right
Costing him his life

I believe
What if I believe you now?
Could it ever change this heart?
Forgive me, believe me
Please come back tonight
Come back to my life

– Flyleaf

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